By JonThm9@aol.com
Reporter With the Salford Herald
Chair of the Bridgewater Redevopment scheme
Tin Chairs PA
R So you are in charge of redeveloping the Bridgewater.
C Indeed, the most underused open sewer …, stretch of water in the country!
R So what is your vision?
C Sorry, you do not have the surveillance profile
T No, no chair! This is your cover job – the canal.
C So not …
T No. Commercial water
C Essential for a good cup of tea!
R The canal!
C Good idea, though not such a good drink!
T You are talking about the Bridgewater!
C Of course – I was confusing you with the international vet who wanted to talk to me about high clearance walkies.
R You or the dogs?
C Dogs? Don’t be silly! They are happy swimming in rivers.
R So your vision.
C 20-20. Yours?
R For the canal!
T I think the chair wishes to talk about the exciting ideas the consultation threw you.
C Did they? Love to read them!
T Here!
C Ah yes! Capital!
R So in brief – it is only three days before we go to press!
C We are going to set up a boat colony. Of narrow boats, with good access links into the city.
So all the high flyers would have their own boat, which could in theory be moved to other places.
R In theory?
C Well yes. We will obviously bolting them in place, so they can’t be sailed off. They will operate as gated communities, so there will be wire meshes and guard fish on patrol in the water.
And for that reason we will establish a breading colony of sharks on the canal, though people tell me there are already loads of sharks in Salford.
R So not so much boasts
C As lumps of concrete secured onto the Bridgewater. That way if you wanted to nick a boat, you would have to nick the canal
R Is that possible?
T Only with the correct security clearance
C And our dedicated boat crew: We have the only crew of dedicated boat men in the country, and they are so inefficient
T The boats will be totally secure!
C I mean the chance of a government team being efficient...
T Your other questions?
R How will the people get into the city?
C Well luckily there is a massive network of water ways in Manchester and Salford.
T Even some of them underground, if you don’t like people
C So obviously they will be crewed by Salford City Councilors: I mean there is little else for them to do all day!
T The Lowry slave galleys can only use some of the persistent councilors. The New boys are not suitable, only for light slave Labour!
R So you will set up a fleet of tethered boat ships, to serve as doss houses for the rich city works.
C Indeed, rowed in each day by Salford City councilors.
All of a sudden you will turn this stretch of underused water into a perfect place for people to have a worker’s flat.
R But what about Sir Alex?
T Sir Alex? Who’s he.
R Sir Alex Ferguson –runs the most successful domino league in the North West!
Every morning he goes out for his daily jog on the ship canal. He doesn’t so much walk on water…
T as runs on the canal? Now that is a pair of Speedos.
R If you have a cluster of ships on the ship canal, you can’t have working boats using the canal, and allow Sir Alex to keep fit!
C Ah. Hadn’t thought of that one! Tina, any ideas?
T Well there are no working boats now, and we could encourage the boat owners to a sell viewing tickets, so people could watch.
C Is he decent? Is he family viewing?
T Ah I see.
R Sir Alex is totally cent, though he does wear the shirt from his time on the Scottish darks league.
C Problem solved! We have a whip around to buy him a new shirt, and the boat owners will generate an income from their houses!
It is all coming together!
T Just a pity this is only a cover job to hide your real identity as ‘No Where Man!’
C Indeed. The ‘Man who does nothing, and doesn’t actually exist’!
Reporter With the Salford Herald
Chair of the Bridgewater Redevopment scheme
Tin Chairs PA
R So you are in charge of redeveloping the Bridgewater.
C Indeed, the most underused open sewer …, stretch of water in the country!
R So what is your vision?
C Sorry, you do not have the surveillance profile
T No, no chair! This is your cover job – the canal.
C So not …
T No. Commercial water
C Essential for a good cup of tea!
R The canal!
C Good idea, though not such a good drink!
T You are talking about the Bridgewater!
C Of course – I was confusing you with the international vet who wanted to talk to me about high clearance walkies.
R You or the dogs?
C Dogs? Don’t be silly! They are happy swimming in rivers.
R So your vision.
C 20-20. Yours?
R For the canal!
T I think the chair wishes to talk about the exciting ideas the consultation threw you.
C Did they? Love to read them!
T Here!
C Ah yes! Capital!
R So in brief – it is only three days before we go to press!
C We are going to set up a boat colony. Of narrow boats, with good access links into the city.
So all the high flyers would have their own boat, which could in theory be moved to other places.
R In theory?
C Well yes. We will obviously bolting them in place, so they can’t be sailed off. They will operate as gated communities, so there will be wire meshes and guard fish on patrol in the water.
And for that reason we will establish a breading colony of sharks on the canal, though people tell me there are already loads of sharks in Salford.
R So not so much boasts
C As lumps of concrete secured onto the Bridgewater. That way if you wanted to nick a boat, you would have to nick the canal
R Is that possible?
T Only with the correct security clearance
C And our dedicated boat crew: We have the only crew of dedicated boat men in the country, and they are so inefficient
T The boats will be totally secure!
C I mean the chance of a government team being efficient...
T Your other questions?
R How will the people get into the city?
C Well luckily there is a massive network of water ways in Manchester and Salford.
T Even some of them underground, if you don’t like people
C So obviously they will be crewed by Salford City Councilors: I mean there is little else for them to do all day!
T The Lowry slave galleys can only use some of the persistent councilors. The New boys are not suitable, only for light slave Labour!
R So you will set up a fleet of tethered boat ships, to serve as doss houses for the rich city works.
C Indeed, rowed in each day by Salford City councilors.
All of a sudden you will turn this stretch of underused water into a perfect place for people to have a worker’s flat.
R But what about Sir Alex?
T Sir Alex? Who’s he.
R Sir Alex Ferguson –runs the most successful domino league in the North West!
Every morning he goes out for his daily jog on the ship canal. He doesn’t so much walk on water…
T as runs on the canal? Now that is a pair of Speedos.
R If you have a cluster of ships on the ship canal, you can’t have working boats using the canal, and allow Sir Alex to keep fit!
C Ah. Hadn’t thought of that one! Tina, any ideas?
T Well there are no working boats now, and we could encourage the boat owners to a sell viewing tickets, so people could watch.
C Is he decent? Is he family viewing?
T Ah I see.
R Sir Alex is totally cent, though he does wear the shirt from his time on the Scottish darks league.
C Problem solved! We have a whip around to buy him a new shirt, and the boat owners will generate an income from their houses!
It is all coming together!
T Just a pity this is only a cover job to hide your real identity as ‘No Where Man!’
C Indeed. The ‘Man who does nothing, and doesn’t actually exist’!
